Weekly News Column Opinion and Laughs on The Record

An airborne turkey

Jeff Borgardt's Soundoff from Summit Column 10/26/05

 This week’s mildly amusing column will be devoted to the wide world of outlandish news clips.
    For starters, I found this article in a New Mexico newspaper Oct. 19:
    “The author of a new state law that allows felony charges against owners of dangerous dogs was hospitalized over this weekend after his own dog attacked him. Bob Schwartz, who is also Gov. Bill
Richardson’s crime advisor, was hospitalized at University of New Mexico Hospital Sunday night with bites on both of his arms, said a spokesman for the governor.
    A hospital spokeswoman declined to release Scwartz’s condition but said he is going to be fine.
    Schwartz has three dogs registered with the city: a boxer and two English bulldogs. Schwartz was instrumental in getting a law passed that would allow felony charges to be filed against owners
of dogs deemed dangerous that seriously injure another animal or person.”
    “OK Borgardt, that’s a good story you found. But do you have any other unusual news about animals?”
    How about this one from the San Diego Union Tribune:
    “An airborne wild turkey struck a motorcyclist on state route 79 yesterday. Two turkeys were walking across southbound Route 79 near Royal Drive about 11:15 a.m., said a California Highway patrolman.
    One turkey began to fly and struck a southbound motorcyclist in the chest.”
    “Flying turkeys? Dog bites lawmaker? What’s next?”
    This one is Australia:
    “A traffic warden slapped a parking ticket on a car which had its dead driver slumped at the wheel outside an Australian shopping mall, an official said Friday. The body of the 71-year-old man, whose identity was not immediately released, was discovered Thursday. The man had been reported missing nine days earlier.”
    “Fine. But do you have any more news clips for me to read?”
    Yes, this is from Norway:
    “A Norwegian prison has stopped giving yoga lessons to inmates after finding that some of the prisoners became more aggressive and agitated. The yoga classes were introduced on a trial basis
earlier this year at Ringerike prison which houses the nations most dangerous criminals. Prison officials had hoped meditation and breathing exercises would help inmates contain their anger, but it appeared to have the opposite effect.”
    “Geez. I can’t believe it. Is there enough space in this column for a final weird story?”
    I guess so. Here’s a thriller from Toronto.
    “About 500 competitors from as far away as Australia, New Zealand, Norway, the United Kingdom as well as 26 U.S. states and five provinces came to the World Rock Paper Scissors Championship this weekend. Toronto lawyer Andrew Bergel, 29,
thrilled the hometown crowd with a winning throw of paper to take home the gold medal and a $7,000 first prize. Bergel defeated California student Stan Long, who received $1,500 for his second prize finish.”
    “Well, thanks for that column. It really was mildly amusing.”